The Night You Died.

                                  The night you died

I wasn't there Mum, I wasn't there.
For that forever I drown in despair.
My heart won't forgive me, my head won't let go.
Of all those things now we will never know.
I loved you Mum, I love you still.
It goes on forever, just as my pain will.

I stood in the darkness Dad's tears down the phone.
So far away and so deeply alone.
Hearing the doctor's words that felt like lies.
"Minutes to hours" my Mum was going to die.
How when I last saw you you sat holding my hand.
It would be our last moment, I still don't understand.

Back to that night and the hours between.
First shocking call, knowing what the second would mean.
Alone in that room mobile in hand.
It rang, I nearly dropped it, as I struggled to stand.
My brother's voice when I expected to hear Dad.
"She's gone" he said, felt like I'd gone mad.
How could this be happening and so far away from me.
Saying my Mum was dead, but how could she be?
Dad's voice, more tears and the nurses behind.
Talk to me on the phone and try to be kind.
"So sorry for your loss" Was she talking to me?
Talking about my Mum, but how could she be?

Pete walks into the room, I'm still on the phone.
Even there in his arms I felt so alone.
Phone call ends as Dad needs to go.
I have to tell my boys the last thing they should know.
"Nanny died" Eldest and youngest son's break down.
Middle one wants to to leave, the one who is usually a clown
He wants to hide so no one sees him crying.
Kept him with us, no comfort to them but trying.

Bedtime comes later, but there is no chance of sleep.
Laying in the darkness the pain cuts so deep.
Dad phones me again, puts the phone to my Mum.
No idea what to say, but somehow some words come.
"I love you Mum, always have, always will"
Back to bed once again, but sleep impossible still.
Up several times, I just walk round the place.
Checking my sons are ok, just looking at each face.
Looking in the bathroom mirror trying to see something of Mum
Pete's arms around me and the tears again come.

Leaving him and my babies behind the next day.
Torn between needing to leave and yet needing to stay.
Flying a thousand miles four months pregnant and completely alone.
Knowing I only faced more heartache when I arrived home.
The whole journey I was even more alone than I knew.
Thought I had to stay calm for my baby, but even that wasn't true.

Mum I can't count all the tears I have cried.
Because they have not stopped since the night you died.

A Letter to my Mum.

                                            A Letter to my Mum

Hi there Mum, sorry I didn't write to you before.

But it's hard to find the words to say what I need to and more.

Your grandsons send their love, they send it every day.

I know you know they love you but I'll say it anyway.

They are trying hard at school and always do their best.

They want to make you proud of them each time they take a test.

They know deep down you've always felt that way.

But I know how it feels longing to hear you say.

Wish I could send you pictures of the things that you should see.

Of grandsons you already know, of Bailey,my brothers, my dad and me.

It was snowing here the other week, we all felt the chill

I warned the boys to be careful like us mothers always will.

I couldn't stop them getting hurt but I still shared their pain.

The bruised knees, the cuts and sores, we were crying once again.

Mum, did I tell you the last time we were together

just how beautiful you looked, that I will remember it forever.

You were laying there so peaceful, no pain showed in your face.

Dad said you looked young again as we all left that place.

Leaving you there was hard, I longed in my heart to stay.

I left you yet another letter without knowing what to say.

I hope somehow you read it, maybe sitting on a cloud.

Did you read it to the angels, saying my words out loud.

I could never say them to you, afraid of how you'd feel.

Scared to do more damage, scared to never heal.

But the pain of saying goodbye Mum can never be as bad

As sitting here regretting the time we never had.

I tried to say goodbye that day everyone was around.

Even spoke in front of them, think you might have been a little proud.

Mum were the flowers perfect, were the songs the ones you love?

Did you like the vicar, were the words we said enough?

Let me know that you're not far away, just somewhere you found peace.

The stress and worries you had here no longer bother you in the least.

Mum can I just ask a favour, whenever you have time.

Please send me some spare peace you can to heal this heart of mine.

Before I go, let me say once again

how much I will miss you Mum till I see you again.